This may be a little heavy, be forewarned....

Okay, I know it may take years to come into your own and feel truly comfortable and happy with yourself, but I feel like am ready to embrace that feeling and accomplish that satisfaction. The part that holds me back is my sensitivities and inability to let go of negativity. When I say that, I mean that one random comment from a total stranger, or a loved one can wipe out any positive thoughts or feelings that you have been developing about yourself. When this happens, I tend to think of all the negative or hurtful comments that I have heard my whole life that have played a part in me questioning my own identity and self worth. It is amazing that such off the cuff observations or assumptions can derail your whole thinking and self-esteem. Case in point which is what occured today- I was walking to work wearing a sleeveless sweater material light kinda flowy tank top(which is irrelevant, just know that I was wearing a tank top) and capri length leggings. I was walking past this after hours place and a group of people were walking out-yes it was 6:40 am- nonetheless, some random girl goes "that's a he-she, that's a he-she". I was mortified and obviously upset, shat woman wants to be mistaken for a man. Keep in mind that this happened once last year and I felt the exact same way at that time. Both times that this happened, I had been doing the Body for Life workout program and you guys all know that my arms develop much more quickly than any other muscles in my body, so I always attribute it to have the body shap that I have:strong arms, flat chest and thick legs, that people may make this mistake or ignorant assumption. I also think it is possibly due to the fact that I wear weaves, but who knows, maybe I just look like a man. Now also keep in mind that I have always been paranoid about this, cuz' as a child, people would sometimes mistake me for a boy cuz' I had really short hair, hence the fact that I started wearing a tonne of makeup in grade 6. I immediately took off my sunglasses, although I was choking back tears, swooped my bangs to the side and tried to look more feminine for the rest of the walk to work, but the whole time I was paranoid when people would look at me, thinking that they were trying to figure out my gender. Crushing blow to the ego and self esteem to say the least, and it's hard to hold back the tears as I write this. It makes me question whether or not I should lift weights, or maybe not do my shoulders, or maybe I should do yoga to get a long lean appearance, or maybe I should... This is the battle that I have in my head in trying to achieve physical perfection. I know how I want to look, but I question how others will see me and if I should try to achieve a toned look. I also have major issues about my butt and legs and what not, so I never find it easy to work through body image issues, cuz' somemone always has something to say, and as soon as it is said, I forget about all the positive things that I have heard recently and question my self worth and value. I try so hard to feel confident and beautiful, but to this day, it has been a struggle and I don't know that it will ever come to fruition. I always fell better about myself when I am working out and slimming down, but then the attention that I get then is a different type that makes me feel more self conscious. I feel like I am only worthy when I am slimmer and my butt is smaller, and that I have to maintain that to keep my place in society, which puts a lot of pressure on me and ultimatley makes me sabatoge my efforts or fail indefinitley. This is the personal cycle that I have been going through for the past 8 years and I feel like I need to resolve this before I can move onto a lifetime of happiness. I am always trying to change myself, which an be a good thing, but it has to be for the right reasons, with your own priorities placed first. In the past, and even this morning, that comment that reeled me would make me want to immediatley escape and disappear into a world that was only mine, and completely impenetrable, therefore, I would drown myself in a bottle of booze, or go on some type of eating binge, but ultimately feel horrible the next day, both physically and emotionally. I think that this behaviour had been present for as many as 23 years or so, I remember eating a whole tray of cookies one night when I was 9 and immediately thinking that I need to go on a diet. I also remember having two mickeys by my bed-one rum and one vodka- when I was like 12 or 13 and having a capful of each in the morning before I went to school, I don't know why, perhaps it was a learned behaviour, or a poor coping mechanism for whatever I was feeling, but really. As I get older, I realize that this was a problem and that it was not normal behaviour for a person of that age, but you are a product of your environment, and that can shape a lot of things in your life, and thtat I am not the only person in the world who coped how she knew to do so. However, I am at the age that I can have a little more insight into my own behaviour and lifestyle, and the reasons behind it, so I can make the changes to start coping in a more productive way. So, instead of picking up a bottle of wine and a slice of cheesecake tonight on the way home (which was my immediate initial thought), I will go for my run and read my new book (I got 3 on the way home yesterday), and try to forget that some stupid bitch who was probably hopped up on meth or something thought that I was a he-she, I know that I am a beautiful, smart, worhty and deserving woman, so screw her. It is time to rise above these issues and move on, I can`t let them hold me back any longer. I wanna chase my dreams and achieve happiness, which seems so simple, but it is difficult to get all the past and present obstacles out of the way, because you haave to be honest with yourself and those in your life who really love you. That is why I chose to share this with you, because for years, I have kept so much bottled up, or drowned in a bottle for so long. I honestly moved to Toronto because I had such low self esteem and felt so out of place that I wanted to move to a city where I was just another face in the crowd, which was great at first, but the underlying issues were still there, just in a new and exciting, distracting environment. I do get noticed often in this impersonal city, more than had anticipated I would, but I more than anything, want to get noticed for me, not my physical attributes, so that`s where I struggle cuz`I always think that I am a better person if I am getting noticed because I am in good shape, or look attractive. As much as my physical appearance is important to me, I feell that about 70% of the reason is because of wanting to feel accepted by or as good as anybody else. I hate having to spend tonnes of money on expensive weaves and in trying to achieve long flowing hair, but I feel like it makes me who I am, trying to achieve a sense of beauty or attractiveness that is on par with any other person, but when look in the mirror, more often than not, I don`t see a beautiful person straing back at me. It is so hard to admit that, but it`s true. I am on a path of self discovery and insightfulness, but it is hard to accept and admit the truth to yourslef, so thanks for listening, don`t feel pressured to comment, but be forewarned that this may be the first of many to come, there is a real sense of relief in sharing it, in dialogue and not conversation, cuz`the sense of humiliation is less, giving you more freedom to be open and honest. I realize that my compulsion to eat is driven by something much deeper than my love for food, now it`s about working through that, not perfecting my diet and working out obsessively. So I am gonna start doing some self esteem boosting activities, starting with the pole dancing classes, and I am going use my birthday money (thanks Stace)to take advantage of Salsa dancing lessons at a studio up the street from me that is offering unlimited classes for 6 weeks for $99, finally after so many years of saying I wanna learn. I have been reading some research on keys to happiness, and having a good support system in place who is willing to listen and be there is essential, so thank you girls, I need you more than I let on, and I am so glad that you are all there anytime I need you (here come the stupid tears again, and I`m at work). I realize as I come into my own and discover myself, that it is a tough process, but to be happy you have to do a lot of work on your inner self, so it is definitely a task that I am taking on full tilt, because that`s all I want right now, and no job, boyfriend, article of clothing or particular weight are gonna give me that, those are all just supplements to my own personal happiness with myself. I am happy to share this journey with you girls because I think that this blog and competition have enabled me to be as honest with myself and feelings as I have ever been, there is something very liberating ablut sharing it with those close toyou, rahter than writing it in a journal. I go to this blog way more often that I write my feeling down in my Body for Life journal cuz`it has way more personal meaning and impact on me than those pictures and stories in my journal of other people and their struggles and successes. That being said, I hope that you girls can find the same solace in this journey, as it is a chance to get real with oursleves and not just compete to lose some pounds, but to lose the emotional baggage that we may or may not be lugging around with us, and in turn, I know that the weight will drop off as a result of that. Blogging this morning was way better thatn getting a cookie at Tim Hortons, I am glad to have been able to do so. So today, I wish you all a day free of emotional burden, low self esteem and self worth, but only positivity and happiness. I am going to top and think about what I put into my mouth and why I am doing it, not just about planning my meals and eating them as planned. I think it has finally clicked, I am getting down to the bare bones of getting my diet under control, and as much as that comment killed me this morning, it has helped me more than it has hindered me, so I`m moving on from it and taking the positive from it. I can`t wait to start Salsa lessons and pole dancing classes, I am sure that my sexy inner beast will be unleashed, along with the emergence of self-esteem and confidence-it`s going to be great. And so far this journey has been great, nothing but positive, cuz`I have been able to derail some negative thinking and desires to cope negatively, as well as ditch the self denial and start to accept the reality of my behaviour. I have to applaud myself, this is the best idea I`ve ever had=). Hope to hear from you all soon. Love you all, and know that I am hear to listen to anything that may be plaguing any of you, anytime of day or night.
Jayna, not as Jaded=)